A year ago my life was much different. At the end of October 2020 I had a panic attack. That panic attack led to panic disorder and instantly changed everything.
A few days after my first panic attack I discovered I couldn't drive. I could physically drive but the second I got in the car, no, even thinking about getting in the car, sent me into panic. My heart would pound, I'd get sweaty, it would feel like I couldn't breathe, felt like someone was choking me at times. I felt dizzy like I might pass out. I couldn't go in a store alone and do shopping. I couldn't handle being at home alone. Couldn't go on walks. All of these things would make me super anxious and panicky.
I couldn't take the girls to school. A 2 minute drive was excruciatingly hard. I spent weeks dreading taking the girls to their schools every day. I didn't have a choice but to figure it out.
I did so much research. I had no idea starting out that this was even something that could happen to someone. Somethimg that does happen to people every day.
Many things I read lead me to believe that there was a cause, a stressor, that was at the root of my anxiety and panic. While there were many stressful things leading up to the initial panic attack, these things weren't the cause of the continued panic. Something in my brain had changed to make this an actual panic disorder which basically means you start to fear the panic itself. There's a LOT of varying information out there about anxiety but by February of 2021 I had stumbled upon a couple really helpful books and podcasts about panic disorder. The first, "The Panic Trick" and eventually "The Anxious Truth". It showed me how to start to work through this in a step by step way.
So I started driving around the block over and over and through town to the girls schools over and over. I practicing allowing the symptoms of anxiety without believing that they were harmful. It took a lot of time and many setbacks. By the time we moved out to California I was finally able to drive the kids to school without much distress. But seven months or so in to this disorder I still couldn't drive on the highway. I still couldn't go grocery shopping alone or even with the kids. I couldn't drive the 45 minute drive into the nearest town.
In order to live this life in the military where my husband obviously has to go to work, I had to work even harder. I had to practice not panicking while he was at work. I had to practice driving around our new town. In August I pushed myself to go to the store alone, little by little, until I could do the weekly shopping alone. I had to be able to do that while my husband was out in the field for weeks at a time. I had to practice tolerating being alone with just the kids for a couple weeks at a time.
I've still been practicing driving down the long road into town. I am at the point now where I drive about 7 miles out of the gate before I turn around. I practice doing this several times a week sometimes multiple times a day. Slowly pushing out my comfort zone, learning to tolerate my anxiety symptoms. I still struggle with being alone for long periods at a time. Occasionally I'll have a day where I have to focus on my breathing to get through the grocery shopping. Things are slowly getting easier in some ways but also it's been over a year.
I have many days now where I'm not as anxious as I was. I can enjoy doing things I used to enjoy without panicking. I am no where near recovered though. I also have many days where the anxiety is there the moment I wake up.
I still need to work on allowing my anxiety to be there while I drive on the highway which is 45 minutes away. I need to work on driving to the highway on a road where there's no place to stop really, but I can pull over. I need to work on going on walks by myself allowing the anxiety to be there. I've been working on exercising to get my heartrate up without panicking. I'm also working at letting my thoughts happen but not get involved in thinking to much about them or giving them too much meaning. It's really hard to describe how many areas of my life this disorder has effected. I'm really hopeful for the progress I can make in 2022. I think I've fought half the battle already and just need to continue what I'm doing and push myself to keep doing the hard things. It's not easy.
I'm very very grateful for friends and family who have helped me in the darkest of times this year. Whether they even realized they were helping. An anxiety disorder is a very lonely thing to have because it makes you tell yourself that no one understands and no one can really do anything to help. I've really had to learn to let myself be afraid and know that God was still there even during the many times I've felt alone.
The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it. John 1:5 ESV
fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. Isaiah 41:10 ESV
I'm not sure why I felt the need to write this. I think just to remember how far I've come. Sometimes I feel defeated when I look back at how long this is taking but also I know I'm doing better in so many ways. I'm hoping once I'm recovered I can use my experience to help someone. Mental health is often overlooked. I really had no idea.
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