Elsie is 7!

 Elsie Mae is 7! 

She likes:

-Sandwiches

- YouTube

- Singing 

- playing school, particularly math 

- helping Dad cook

She doesn't like:

- anything that she thinks is for "little kids"

- juice/milk

- cheerleading (been there tried that)

Gemma is 5!

 How on earth did she get so big?! I feel like, especially since she's the middle child,  that I've somehow blinked and she went from toddling around to being a little girl.  Cue all the tears. 

Her favorite things these days are:

- Playing with little toys like shopkins, barbies, lol dolls, anything super girly

- playing at the playground with friends

- wearing fancy dresses every day

- watching her tablet

- practicing writing letters 

- playing kinetic sand or playdoh

She is a little bit more picky with eating lately but definitely loves mac n cheese and chicken fries (not nuggets). Still loves juice over any other beverage. 

She's super sweet and likes to cuddle and she frequently falls asleep on the couch in the evenings. 

She's the most go with the flow out of all three kids. She's very easy to please.  

We just love her so much! 

2.25 years

 It's been about 2 and 1/4 years since JJ was born and had his open heart surgery. We've moved twice since then and are on our third pediatric cardiologist. Luckily he's doing great.  He has no scar tissue buildup where his repair was made. His EKG and Echo both look amazing. You wouldn't even know he has a congenital heart defect if you met him. We are so thankful! 

I would definitely say that one of the many stressors leading to my anxiety disorder was for sure his birth and surprise heart problems. That's a major stressor on anyone. Looking back I had headaches for months after and sleep issues that were definitely both signs of anxiety and stress. 

Going to his doctor appointment today was hard. There isn't a pediatric cardiologist at our hospital on post so we go to a civilian doctor (thankfully). It was a 1.5 hour drive there. I can't make that drive by myself currently.  I haven't worked back up to driving on the highway yet or even into town. I definitely feel some feelings of inadequacy because of this. 

However, in very pleased with my anxiety levels today. We drove there and arrived quite a bit early. I was able to get some driving practice in belt the appointment from Dunkin Donuts to the doctors office about 5 miles down the road through many major traffic lights (3 lanes each direction). I haven't had much experience driving in those circumstances since moving here simply because those types of roads don't exist within a 45 minute radius. It went so well! Very low levels of anxiety driving.  Also, relatively low levels of anxiety in his doctors appointment. I haven't done well at all with doctors appointments this whole year and was definitely not looking forward to it either but it went well also, but JJ is also a great distraction.  Just a few hard minutes during the Echo where I used deep breathing to calm myself.  I'd rate it at only about a 3/10 anxiety level. 

Rewarded myself (and everyone) with In n Out for lunch!

This year...

 A year ago my life was much different. At the end of October 2020 I had a panic attack. That panic attack led to panic disorder and instantly changed everything.

A few days after my first panic attack I discovered I couldn't drive. I could physically drive but the second I got in the car, no, even thinking about getting in the car,  sent me into panic. My heart would pound, I'd get sweaty, it would feel like I couldn't breathe,  felt like someone was choking me at times. I felt dizzy like I might pass out. I couldn't go in a store alone and do shopping.  I couldn't handle being at home alone. Couldn't go on walks. All of these things would make me super anxious and panicky. 

I couldn't take the girls to school. A 2 minute drive was excruciatingly hard. I spent weeks dreading taking the girls to their schools every day.  I didn't have a choice but to figure it out.  

I did so much research. I had no idea starting out that this was even something that could happen to someone.  Somethimg that does happen to people every day.  

Many things I read lead me to believe that there was a cause, a stressor, that was at the root of my anxiety and panic. While there were many stressful things leading up to the initial panic attack, these things weren't the cause of the continued panic.  Something in my brain had changed to make this an actual panic disorder which basically means you start to fear the panic itself. There's a LOT of varying information out there about anxiety but by February of 2021 I had stumbled upon a couple really helpful books and podcasts about panic disorder. The first, "The Panic Trick" and eventually "The Anxious Truth". It showed me how to start to work through this in a step by step way.  

So I started driving around the block over and over and through town to the girls schools over and over. I practicing allowing the symptoms of anxiety without believing that they were harmful.  It took a lot of time and many setbacks. By the time we moved out to California I was finally able to drive the kids to school without much distress. But seven months or so in to this disorder I still couldn't drive on the highway.  I still couldn't go grocery shopping alone or even with the kids.  I couldn't drive the 45 minute drive into the nearest town. 

In order to live this life in the military where my husband obviously has to go to work, I had to work even harder. I had to practice not panicking while he was at work.  I had to practice driving around our new town. In August I pushed myself to go to the store alone,  little by little, until I could do the weekly shopping alone.  I had to be able to do that while my husband was out in the field for weeks at a time. I had to practice tolerating being alone with just the kids for a couple weeks at a time. 

I've still been practicing driving down the long road into town. I am at the point now where I drive about 7 miles out of the gate before I turn around. I practice doing this several times a week sometimes multiple times a day. Slowly pushing out my comfort zone, learning to tolerate my anxiety symptoms. I still struggle with being alone for long periods at a time. Occasionally I'll have a day where I have to focus on my breathing to get through the grocery shopping. Things are slowly getting easier in some ways but also it's been over a year. 

I have many days now where I'm not as anxious as I was. I can enjoy doing things I used to enjoy without panicking. I am no where near recovered though. I also have many days where the anxiety is there the moment I wake up. 

I still need to work on allowing my anxiety to be there while I drive on the highway which is 45 minutes away. I need to work on driving to the highway on a road where there's no place to stop really, but I can pull over. I need to work on going on walks by myself allowing the anxiety to be there. I've been working on exercising to get my heartrate up without panicking. I'm also working at letting my thoughts happen but not get involved in thinking to much about them or giving them too much meaning. It's really hard to describe how many areas of my life this disorder has effected. I'm really hopeful for the progress I can make in 2022. I think I've fought half the battle already and just need to continue what I'm doing and push myself to keep doing the hard things. It's not easy.  

I'm very very grateful for friends and family who have helped me in the darkest of times this year.  Whether they even realized they were helping.  An anxiety disorder is a very lonely thing to have because it makes you tell yourself that no one understands and no one can really do anything to help. I've really had to learn to let myself be afraid and know that God was still there even during the many times I've felt alone. 

The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it. John 1:5 ESV

fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. Isaiah 41:10 ESV

I'm not sure why I felt the need to write this.  I think just to remember how far I've come.  Sometimes I feel defeated when I look back at how long this is taking but also I know I'm doing better in so many ways. I'm hoping once I'm recovered I can use my experience to help someone. Mental health is often overlooked. I really had no idea. 

JJ is TWO!

 Ok I'm a month late. Third child problems. 

Mr. JJ is growing so fast. He wants to do everything Gemma does. That means no more booster seat at the table, no more crib (even though I'm holding on to that a bit longer since he isn't climbing out yet) and he even wants to sit on the potty! 

He is saying a lot more things now. I had to keep a list for the doctor because he's always been on a cusp of not saying enough and needing speech therapy.

Mommy,  Daddy, Out, No, Milk, Eat, Mine, Uhoh, Red, Blue, Yellow, Purple, Green, Please, Thank you, Moo, Bah Neigh, Let go, One more, Leah, Sorry. 

There's probably a few more. 

Jay Jr. is 1.5

 Oh JJ, Jayj, Buddy man, 

You're a hoot! You love to dance especially to Jailhouse Rock by Elvis. You also just like music in general and any kids songs. 

You love anything and everything about Frozen. 

You love to eat! Anything really but especially meats and fruit. Not a noodle lover but will eat some.  Strangely you like green beans.  

You love dogs and also Rosie cat. 

You say Muh for Gemma. And Mama for Mom. And repeat those all day long. But you also say up, owie, dada, wawa, down, ball, Bath, bye, night night, and no. 

You seem to have bad seasonal allergies and eczema possibly related to grass or something outside. We aren't sure yet.  

You still love to be outside and get really mad when we make you stay in. 

You're a big fan of climbing.  You climb on to anything you can think of.  Love sitting on the kitchen table. 😅

Elsie is 6!

 What to say about Elsie...

She is silly, sassy, and super smart. Eager to learn. Thriving in school. 

She never stops talking. I don't know if it's just her or just kids her age but man she can talk. Also asks so many questions. 

Her favorite things are kids sitcoms on Disney+, her tablet, crafts/coloring, copying words/ writing/spelling. She's interested in learning math. She also loves sloths.  

She also acts a lot like me and it drives me crazy haha.